this barren July…

15 Jul

July – The Innocence Mission

This barren July
We both wake up so dry
That no more tears can leave us.
And all we’ve found
Are roads we can’t go down,
Eyes on a day we can’t see.
I hope it comes.
I hope that water comes
And drenches us in our clothes.
The world at night
Has seen the greatest light.
Too much light to deny.

We’ve been married eight months now. Eight glorious, wondersome moons. Ever more aware of the riches of our union.

Sometimes I’m smitten by it. The daily thrills and excitements. Could anything be more joyfullest than to wake next to the one you love best in the world? To be able to serve them soul and mind and body? Even the simplest of duties are driven by a great contentment. Like making breakfast or folding clothes. For someone besides and beside me.

It’s a beautiful life.

Too much light to deny.

 With all love comes yearning.

And while there is no desperation or unusual space, yet.

We are waiting. We are desiring.

The surprise has worn off slightly. The shock of what seemed the “next thing” not entering. The first few months were such a strange dose of keen disappointment. I didn’t know I would desire a baby that quickly and fiercely. So that the cycling “no” sent me reeling.

Then the months of willing it…

‘If only I could FEEL pregnant it might happen’.

‘If I pray harder, if he prays harder.’

‘If I ignore the lack.’

‘If I prove my want.’

‘If I prove my contentment.’

‘If I prove my worth.’

 

Understand:

This isn’t a plea of pity. I’m not worthy to bear the honour of being one who has waited. I know women who have lived lives open and empty for much longer a time. Who have lost unborn and still placed themselves smiling in front of His throne. The admiration I have for those women is thick. They truly have been conformed to His image.

This is me stepping back and seeing the story.
Because till I do I can’t play my character with grace.

“I wish we could sometimes love the characters in real life as we love the characters in romances. There are a great many human souls whom we should accept more kindly, and even appreciate more clearly, if we simply thought of them as people in a story.”
– Chesterton

(This includes me and my husband)

The desire for children is a constant thread through my wifehood. It’s a chord that plays beneath every day…

Some days it’s frenzied dirge.
Some days it’s a gentle hum.
Some days it’s a playful chant.

There are times when everything pounds to that sound, others where it’s so quiet as to be ignored.

Yet never forgotten.

In my head there are facets of this chord.

Here are the bits that shine brightest these days. The sides that are pronounced and understandable to me.

I’m sure there will come more facets to be seen in the coming months. Thus the glory of God’s molding.

Facet One

Separateness of This Honeymoon

Today I brought my husband lunch and sat on a wood-dusted floor to watch him work. We talked uninterrupted about this subject and other lighter ones.

We both slept through the night and I showered with the leisure of a queen.

A baby would bring a halt to some great moments that are normal to us. While we wait for that halt with open arms, it would be foolish to dismiss the blessings we stand in. They are great. I can give all my attention to my Lover and him to me. We can pick up and leave for a weekend with little repercussion. Our money is loosely budgeted and involves delicacies that would need garnering.

 

Facet Two

The Ever Remembrance Of Motherhood

I’m a nanny. For two beautiful, well loved girls. They are a constant light to me. I love them dearly. More than just about any small persons.

When people find out my occupation they often remark, “what good practice you are getting!” Which is true. Not always in the way they may think though. I have practiced how to curb my own selfishness, my own anger or disgust. To give my energy fully. To have a plan and adapt it. To love without return. To accept love when it’s undeserved.

I’ve watched those girls grow and change beneath my heart. It’s the most humbling thing. Particularly when my heart is growing and changing more violently.

The other element of being around babes with such consistency is that I’m always keeping my mother-self in the open. I can’t put it away in the drawer. It’s ever before me.

There are those moments where that seems taunting, cruel… But most of the time, when I am being obedient the shadow of my mother-self is hopeful.  This is how I keep my desire before my Lord.

This is how I…

Sing, O barren,
You who have not borne!
Break forth into singing, and cry aloud,
You who have not labored with child!
For more are the children of the desolate
Than the children of the married woman,” says the LORD.
“ Enlarge the place of your tent,
And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings;
Do not spare;
Lengthen your cords,
And strengthen your stakes.
Isaiah 54

It’s how my God calls me to bravery. To keep all the reaches of myself supple and aired. A set part of my life put aside for offspring. Now to put in the Missies from time to time… At His time to put my own Missies and Misters.

I”m so thankful for my ‘job’.

 

Facet Three

Thanksgiving, Trust, Thirst

God creates places. He’s a tangible Creator. There are empty places in which to fill. Wastelands to flood.

I’m thankful for every passing month because it makes more keen and clean the barren place which He will overflow. Just as the hole in my heart became Goodman shaped by hard burning and carving. I’m thankful for the years without so that I may know the comfort of with.

He knows me best. Knows how precious something must become to me before I fear it’s weight and give it to Him.

Both my husband and I.

We are thankful that He knows our desire.

Thankful that He has ordained it’s fulfillment.

Our thirst becomes great and it will be quenched by such sweetness.

Psalm 113
Who is like the LORD our God,
         Who dwells on high,
  Who humbles Himself to behold
         The things that are in the heavens and in the earth?
 He raises the poor out of the dust,
         And lifts the needy out of the ash heap,
  That He may seat him with princes—
         With the princes of His people.
 He grants the barren woman a home,
         Like a joyful mother of children.
         Praise the LORD!
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