some thoughts on the now

22 Mar

In the haze of pregnancy brain, I’ve been lax in keeping up with recording life. I’m living it… in a half haphazard, headlong way… but not often stopping to note it. I haven’t done much “being” these past weeks.

In truth “I” am changing so much that it’s confusing trying to speak from any perspective. Everyday I wake up and it’s as if I don’t know this body, mind and heart. This is all natural to pregnancy… I realize. But still unnerving. Especially as it’s the first time. Sometimes I think my body is so busy trying to provide for Wombkeeper that it forgets to keep Abi informed. The only time I’ve felt so fragmented before was during those difficult 17-19 years. Wherein body is changing, hormones are raging and mind is fumbling. None seem to have learned to sync to one another. It’s strange being thrown back into that mess. Stranger that out of all this rubble God is creating something so unique, so perfectly mechanized.

Now that I’m thoroughly in the third trimester, I think I’ve at least grasped the concept that… there is no normal. *smile* Thankfully I’m not going to be this way forever, really even tomorrow. One day my feet are so swollen I can’t fit into any of my shoes, the next I have energy and creativity. Learning to take myself as I come. I’ve always been able to “pep talk” myself into accomplishing things. No longer.

There’s a feebleness that I’ve never experienced. All my strength is furrowed into one task. And it’s only after my body is assured that that task is safe and progressing that it’s leaves me leftovers. Sometimes barely enough to make my bed and prepare dinner.

Thankfully, I have a loving, kind, patient husband who often understands this quicker than I do.

When I often feel like a failure he bears me up, carries me (sometimes literally). I am astounded to see God’s faithfulness in such a tangible man. He continues to praise me when there is little to find favour in. Constantly points out beauty when I only see ugly.

Loves me when I’m utterly unlovable.

In a strange twist that very love turns me loveable again.

(photo from mooiphoto.blogspot.com)

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